...So my little brother is getting married, in Belfast, where his Mrs comes from.
His Mrs, Claire, is a beautiful, intelligent, modern, woman. She is the mother of my wonderful niece, Ella Rose (5).

I say "little brother" he´s six foot two and a senior captain for a major airline.

I can´t go to the wedding.

Why?

I can´t go back to Belfast. I had some proper hairy times in the Ardoyne back in ´76. I get chills just thinking about going there.

Am I wrong?

Yep.

You need to suck it up and do the right thing. Death is as light as a feather, duty as heavy as a mountain.

Be a man and go see your brother.

Thanks OG.

I have thought long and hard about this.
I know, it sounds easy, suck it up and go tyo Belfast.
It ain´t.
But...
It´s my little brother.
But...
I get palpitations thinking about Belfast. I really don´t want to go

Chit!

Thanks OG and Mr. Blastman...

I have thought long and hard about this.
I know, it sounds easy, suck it up and go tyo Belfast.
It ain´t.
But...
It´s my little brother.
But...
I get palpitations thinking about Belfast. I really don´t want to go

Chit!

76, that's 40 years ago. As someone who never gets invited to weddings, I think you should go to your brother's wedding.

Ok, I´m listening.
>Yes, I know I should go.

I have trouble reconciling my ambition (to go) with my capabilities.

Do I want to spend a long weekend in a place that holds, shall we say, not very happy memories? Or not?
I´m voting no.

I'm assuming you're not alienated from him...if so... It's your duty to him to be there on his wedding day regardless of any personal issues you may have.

I've been at weddings sitting across from people whom I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire and made a good show of it for the sake of my friends/family.

You're his big brother. You may be the one who has to care of his (future) children in a worst-case scenario. If you accept that obligation for the sake of blood/friendship, you have to be there.

Family is precious. Your brothers and sisters most precious of all. Go to the wedding mate. Fly in. Go to the hotel and stay there except for wedding activities. Then fly home. I understand your feelings , my uncle was killed during "the troubles".

A few years ago I had to deal with a consultant whose HQ was Belfast......it was not easy.

I don't like going to weddings at all. However, to steal a line from the Hit King, I'd walk through hell in a gasoline suit to go to my brother's wedding. It's your duty.

Yes.
Thank you all.

No, We meet 2-3 times a year in london. I love him and his Mrs to bits.

Well, this could be a good opportunity to MAKE some happy memories for that place, couldn't it?

Stewie, I won't presume to tell you what you should do on this. I will suggest that you ask yourself some questions:

How are you going to feel about it later, if you do not go?

How is your brother, his bride, (and any other family members, for that matter) going to feel about it if you do not go?

The answers to those questions could persist for a long time. In light of that, how does your shorter term discomfort of a long weekend stack up against those possible consequences of not attending?

You're the guy who has to evaluate that. If you choose not to attend though, you'll be stuck with something where you can not get a do-over for it later. That's a choice you want to be really certain about.

That's how I see it too.
Plus it almost always causes a rift in the familial relationship when you chose not to attend a function that is this important to the other party.


Wheels

Stewie, two bits. There are people whose loved ones suffered pain beyond human comprehension that attended the 9/11 events in New York today. Look at it this way. If you go, dance with the new Mrs., hug your brother, and wave bye and fly back, you outlived the pain of Ardoyne. Let it be cathartic for you. If you don't go, the past wins.

Are you wrong? Yes.

Go. It's not about you.

ok. Thanks everyone.

I was there and Derry in the late '70's for a month or so (purely in a civilian role I hasten to add). Went back on business about 6 years ago. You wouldn't recognise it as the same city mate. From a place full of fear, violence and hate to the vibrant modern community it is now.
Go, or you will always regret it.

I was originally there managing a team for retail refurbishment of a well-known Chain Store. (20 young women; not the sort of paradise one would imagine. :)) Though not personally experienced, I was aware of negotiations and dealing with Dark Men of both factions to get any work done on-site at all.
Had to be bussed under RUC guard from the sandbagged hotel to the store site and not allowed out alone under any circumstances. Though locals we came into contact with went out of their way to be friendly and hospitable.

Ok, I'm going to confuse things a bit here.
If you're voicing this here, I sense some serious anxiety, not just "permission" to miss a wedding because you don't like weddings. Could this be less about Belfast and more about travel, maybe specifically air travel? If the wedding was the same distance, and across water in the other direction would it really make you feel better? There isn't an outstanding warrant for your arrest from some 70's style partying is there? Regardless, there is something to how you feel about it and I think that's important.

My wedding was 2 hours away from home. I understood if friends and family didn't get to come. People have lives. Those that contacted me and congratulated me but regretted not being able to make it I appreciated just as much as if they'd been there. It's not like I could spend much time with everyone there, weddings are busy. You invite people to let them know they're welcome, not to guilt trip them for not coming. I was fine with a phone call. Those that simply didn't show with no contact...not so much and I didn't make any efforts with them after that. That was just 2 hours away, driving. Yes, this is your brother, not an old college buddy, but your brother is getting married in another COUNTRY, for reasons that are certainly understandable. Asking people to globe trot to go to your wedding is a lot to ask. Adding in your anxiety, I think that if you just talk to him honestly about it, that they will understand. Being a pilot for an airline like he is, maybe he's a bit out of touch with how others feel about travel, not to mention the expense that's asking of people. They may understand the invitations are to welcome people to come, not to guilt trip them for not leaving the country for a 30 minute ceremony.

Since you mentioned attending, not a role in the wedding, I'm going to assume this is a pretty casual event. They already have a 5 year old, to me means they're a pretty laid back couple, not huge on tradition. Maybe not even the first marriage? I don't think I've met anyone that put a whole lot of emphasis on people attending a 2nd wedding, but then I'm reading a LOT into this to come to that point. Still, if you get married in another country, you have to expect a small crowd, and mostly those that live IN the country. If your his brother and not IN the wedding, then I see this as informal. Or did he ask you to be in it, which may be a bit different. Weddings are for the bride and her family, it makes sense that it's where it is. It also makes sense if you need to talk to your brother about not attending and explain why. IMO, he's more obligated to understand your anxiety than you are to fly off to another country to see a ceremony. When he's back in your own country, have a party for him with local friends and relatives that also couldn't go, or everyone take them out to eat. Something like that.
This is not a question of "be a man" or not. People are complex.